Lex Luthor's Mail

Years ago, I had a had a second phone line in my home office for data and faxes. Remember faxes?

I didn't want incoming calls on that line. Outgoing calls only. Having the phone listed under my name would be confusing, but I didn't want to pay the extra fee for an unlisted number. Fortunately, there's an alternative. The phone company doesn't advertise this fact, but you can get a phone in another name. Any name.

So I chose the name of Lex Luthor, Superman's arch-nemesis. 

It didn't take long for the name to show up on mailing lists. Lots of them. So I started to save up a few direct mail pitches, gaining a glimpse into the criminal mastermind market.

Click on the images for a full-size view. 
   

Somehow Lex Luthor doesn't seem like a DirectTV sort of person. Do you think that a guy who tried to nuke California into the Pacific would have scruples about stealing cable?

Quite a few long distance companies want Lex Luthor's business. He probably makes a lot of calls, keeping in touch with henchmen.

They tempted Luthor with of money. An old school villain scoffs at such trifles.

They offered him a free pint of Ben & Jerry's ice cream every month for a year. Not even Cherries Garcia distracts Luthor from his mission of malevolence and mayhem. The "helping to build a better world" pitch is all wrong too.

Credit card companies think Luthor is a good risk. Something about honor among thieves, I guess.

Even evil geniuses have trouble figuring out the new Medicare part D drug plan. Talk about devious.  

What would people think of super-villain and global menace Lex Luthor shopping at their nice suburban supermarket? Even nefarious criminals need to buy toilet paper and laundry detergent.

That could be him pushing the cart with the sticky wheel, clipping coupons, squeezing the bread to make sure it's fresh, squinting to read expiration dates. He doesn't look so evil in person. 

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Copyright 2006 Bruce Goldfarb. All rights reserved.